I found myself miserable in the middle of a relationship but couldn't blame my partner. He wasn't doing much to cause me distress (in fact, he was trying to help me) and I felt like my sadness was coming from inside myself. Upon investigation and introspection, I found I was making myself miserable by giving too much of myself even when my partner didn't ask for it, and when I expected "appreciation," I didn't get back as much as I expected and became resentful. Then I'd victimize myself and wonder why I felt this way (even though I logically knew that it was my own fault, I still felt victimized). I learned my problem had a name. And so I wrote this report for a class.
If you feel drained from a relationship, not necessarily a romantic one, but with friends and family also, it's possible that you are giving too much and neglecting taking care of yourself. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It actually gives you the energy to help others better.
I'm a Christian and have been told all my life to "be a servant" and "put others before myself." When I overdid this, I became angry and depressed and wasn't able to help anyone anymore. It is important to strike a balance in our lives. Our body is the temple of God (I Cor. 3:16: "Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you?"). Though God does tell us to put others before ourselves, if we run ourselves into the ground, how will we be able to help others? Luke 10:27 says "And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.” Love your neighbor AS YOURSELF. You must love yourself- this doesn't mean be prideful, self-righteous, or selfish, but rather happy with who God made you. God knows what he's talking about.
So here's my report on the role I played as a codependent. Please don't be scared off by the term "codependent." This is meant to inform, not diagnose. Do remember it's okay to get help from outside yourself.
Caretaking in Codependency
Codependency is
a broad psychological term that covers various, yet similar, behaviors of
people who foster troubling, draining relationships. The term originally used
only in reference to alcoholics and their behavior concerning alcohol abuse.
Later the term came to be used in reference to a wide variety of
self-destructive emotional behaviors, not just those associated with alcohol
abuse. Dr. Hemfelt, Dr. Minirth, and Dr. Meier describe codependency as : “…as
an addiction to people, behaviors, or things” (1989, p. 11). According to
Melodie Beattie (1987), “a codependent person is one who has let another
person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that
person’s behavior” (p. 31). Mental Health America describes it as a relationship
addiction that prevents either side from enjoying a mutually healthy
relationship (2013). All of these descriptions are accurate; codependency can
be described in about as many different ways as there are codependents. Each codependent’s
experience may yield a different angle for the term, and thus, it may be
beneficial not to define the term but rather to recognize it through the
emotions, behaviors, and characteristics of the codependent.
It takes at
least two people to form a codependent relationship- usually, a caretaker and his
or her victim. The caretaker attempts to “rescue” the victim, usually by
assuming all responsibility for the victim’s failings, struggles, and life in
general. Within the relationship, the caretaker anticipates their partner’s needs
and seeks to meet them before the partner even asks. This eventually results in
the caretaker ignoring their own needs and desires, and upon not having these
needs met, the caretaker usually harbors resentment and may even persecute
their partner. Following this, either the victim will return the persecution or
the caretaker will feel guilty for the persecution. As a result, the caretaker
usually ends up feeling drained and victimized. In 1968, Stephen Karpman first
described the vicious cycle of rescuing, persecution, and victimization, which
came to be known as the Karpman Drama Triangle (see Figure 1). It should be
noted that both partners in the relationship can cycle through the three roles
in the triangle. The caretaker is simply the partner who is most comfortable in
the “rescuer” role and thus usually adopts that role in the relationship most
often.
Figure 1 – The
Karpman Drama Triangle (Cohen, 2011)
Rescuer
Behaviors of Caretakers
The caretaker’s
primary role, the “rescuer,” can imply many different things- according to Melody
Beattie in 1987, “we rescue anytime we take responsibility for another human
being – for that person’s thoughts, feelings, decisions, behaviors, growth, well-being,
problems, or destiny” (p. 78). Behaviors of a caretaker include:
- ·
Suffering
the consequences of another’s actions for the person
- ·
Taking
responsibility for someone else’s behavior
- ·
Acting
or speaking for another
- ·
Compromising
his or her own beliefs in order to please another
- ·
Preventing
others from feeling a specific emotion
- ·
Anticipating
others’ needs before they ask
- ·
Offering
advice whether warranted or not
These behaviors
enable the partner of the caretaker to continue their potentially destructive
behavior, and therefore the caretakers are not helping but harming their
partners. The caretakers may feel like the “hero,” though their “aid” is usually
destructive to both them and the partner. By “rescuing” their victims, caretakers
hurt themselves by ignoring their own wants and needs. They often do this to
the point of losing themselves. They become so engrossed in assuming
responsibility for their partner that they fail to be responsible for their own.
Their rescues become reactionary, not done out of love or compassion, but out
of compulsion. Caretaking evolves into something that has to be done rather something they do because they want to. They
become martyrs, sacrificing themselves for the needs of another.
Victims of Caretakers
Rescuing usually
appears to be a good deed or a merciful act towards the victim to those who are
outside the relationship. Caretakers latch onto someone (or vice versa) they
believe to be incompetent. Caretakers either believe or grow to believe
(sometimes subconsciously) that their partners are incapable of taking care of
themselves. The caretaker may feel the need to control someone, and if his or
her partner is thought of as needy or incompetent, especially by others, the
caretaker will feel justified in this role. The caretaker is trying to make the
other person’s life “better,” which is still functions as a form of control or an
attempt to fix the partner. Rescuing appears to be such a good deed from the
outside. Caretakers may not even recognize what they’re doing; they honestly
believe they are helping their victim. (Beattie, M., 1987, p. 77-83)
Persecutor
Cause of the Role Switch
After having
their needs unmet for so long, caretakers often develop resentment or anger towards
their partners and transfer from the “rescuer” to the “persecutor” role. Peter
Powls of Breaking Barriers described persecutors as “characterized by
criticizing and judging others; they may control or limit others in unnecessary
ways. They adopt a blaming and punitive (‘I’ve written you off’) attitude to
those who fall short of their perfectionistic expectations” (2011).
Once the caretaker develops an expectation of how their partner should act, and
their partner fails to meet this expectation, the caretaker becomes judgmental.
The caretaker ends up blaming the partner for the unhappiness in the
caretaker’s life. The caretaker wonders why their victim isn’t showing appreciation
for all of their “sacrifice,” like they expected. If the partner asks for anything
this makes it even worse as the caretaker sees the partner seen as ungrateful. The
caretaker may think, “I am doing all of these things for you and you don’t even
appreciate it; how dare you ask for more? How could you persecute me after all
that I’ve done for you?”
In other cases,
the sacrifices the caretakers make are a lot less obvious to the point of being
hardly detectable by the partner. Some caretakers live most of their lives up
in their heads and therefore make subconscious or mental sacrifices (such as
decisions to ignore their own needs in order to try to please their partner)
that don’t manifest on the surface- the partner never sees them. The caretaker
may be surprised to find out that their partner doesn’t see this form of caring,
and may become furious if the partner asks for more sacrifice on the part of
the caretaker. The caretaker may think, “I’ve made all these sacrifices and you
don’t even see them?” This will leave the caretaker feeling both drained and
useless; all of their sacrifice was in vain. These mindsets push them into the “justified”
persecutor role.
Reaction
Eventually, the
caretaker (persecutor) reacts with either an outburst of anger or a resentful withdrawal
from their partner. If the partner finds out that caretaker thinks of them as
incompetent, they may become angry and attack the caretaker in response. In
other cases, the partner is genuinely surprised and apologetic for how horrible
they’ve been. In the former case, the caretaker feels victimized at being
attacked by their partner. In the latter case, the caretaker feels guilt for having
treated their partner this way, and then victimization follows. (Powls, P.,
2011)
Victim
After receiving
attack or apologies, the caretaker switches to the role of the victim, feeling
hopeless, used, trapped, and sorry for themself. The caretaker often adopts the
“why does this always happen to me?” mindset. Sometimes the partner of the
caretaker takes on the rescuer role the caretaker once occupied. Once the
caretaker comes out of the victim role, however, the two switch roles again and
the cycle begins anew.
Roots of Codependent Caretaking
Inappropriate Responsibility
Caretakers may
not trust people to be able to take responsibility for themselves. This leaves
caretakers to feel as if they need to take this responsibility on because no
one else will. In their childhood, the future caretaker may have lived with an
irresponsible parent (for example, an alcoholic) and felt like they had to take
care of the parent. The best way to survive, the child thought, was to take the
parent’s responsibilities as his or her own since the parent was not going to.
As a result, the caretaker “…feels acutely and personally responsible for just
about everyone’s happiness, feelings, thoughts, actions—even the ability to
stay out of trouble” (Hemfelt, R., Minirth, F., Meier, P., 1989, p. 5).
Low Self-Esteem
The root of most
caretakers’ codependency is low self-worth. They feel better about themselves
when they help others, as this makes them feel needed. Once this “need” is
established, the caretakers then seek to feel useful by helping others. This
sense that they are useful is interpreted by caretakers as love and affection,
something they may have lacked growing up and often still lack once they are
adults.
Perversion of Good Messages
Caretakers may
have grown up being taught that they should always give, never be selfish,
always offer help, always go the extra mile, and that it is impolite to mention
their wants or needs. Some have misinterpreted or perverted Christian beliefs
they were taught and thus try too hard to care or give. They do not realize
that they are responsible for taking care of themselves and helping others is
its own reward, not their responsibility. The Bible never says anything about people
taking the responsibility of others onto themselves. Rather, it encourages everyone
to care for others but not so much that it starts hurting all parties involved.
In her book Codependent No More, Beattie suggests:
I
believe God wants us to help people and share our time, talents, and money. But
I also believe He wants us to give from a position of high self-esteem. I
believe acts of kindness are not kind unless we feel good about ourselves, what
we are doing, and the person we are doing it for. I think God is in each of us
and speaks to each of us. If we can’t feel good about something we’re doing,
then we shouldn’t do it – no matter how charitable it seems. We also shouldn’t
do things for others that they ought to and are capable of doing for
themselves. Other people aren’t helpless. Neither are we. (Beattie, M., 1987,
p. 87)
Controlling Personality
Whether
caretakers have learned to control (possibly due to an irresponsible parent) or
have a natural tendency towards controlling, it is the center of their problem.
According to Dr. Hemfelt, Dr. Minirth, and Dr. Meier, “Codependency is the
fallacy of trying to control interior feelings by controlling people, things,
and events on the outside. To the codependent, control or the lack of it is
central to every aspect of life” (1989, p. 11). Caretakers try to make others behave
or feel the way they want them to. They control because they are “just trying
to help,” are used to controlling and do not know what else to do, think it is
their responsibility to, or are afraid not to. They control so much that they
are being controlled by their compulsion to control. (Beattie, M., 1987, p.
70-75)
Recovery
Admitting They Have a Problem
The first step in
recovering from this caretaking addiction is that caretakers have to realize
they have the addiction, admit to themselves that they have it, and admit their
powerlessness over it. They need to give up the control they believe they have
but actually don’t; their control is only an illusion. (Because codependency
can be so subtle, it may be difficult to diagnose—see Appendix A for
assistance.)
Spiritual Recovery
Back when AA
groups were established for those codependent on alcohol, the founders
observed: “…they were deeply embittered against God, they were rebellious
(independent), and at the same time they were childishly dependent upon those
around them” (Hemfelt, Minirth Meier, 1989, p. 12). For those caretakers who
are spiritual, they need to realize and believe that God (God will be used here
but can be substituted for another Higher Power if they believe differently) is
able to help them and restore them to good physical and mental health. Once
they realize they don’t have to do it alone, they will become hopeful. After
this they must decide to give their free will to God and let him take care of
their lives. Instead of trusting in themselves and trying to control their life
and/or that of another human being, they let God take care of them and the
other person.
While in the rescuer
role, the caretaker has been incredibly focused on the one they were helping.
They now need to stop worrying about the other person and take a moral
inventory of their own lives. They need to make a list of what they see in
themselves. This should not be done in a self-hating way, but in a loving,
objective way. They root out their problems and strengths. Most likely, they
will find and earned and unearned guilt along with self-hate, the latter two
needing to be discarded. Potentially the most difficult part of the process,
they also need to be able to forgive themselves for their behavior.
After this
introspection, the caretaker needs to admit their wrongs and humbly ask
forgiveness from God and others. This may be an incredibly liberating
experience. The caretaker does not have to hide what they have been doing any
longer. Upon confession, they need to be able to let God root out their
defective characteristics.
The caretaker
needs to list all of those that they have hurt and plan to apologize and make
amends with them all. Even though they may have thought they were helping, they
were enabling and/or controlling the victim. This step removes any guilt they
earned. They should then make those direct amends where possible. If this would
hurt themselves or others, they may try to make amends indirectly.
Lastly, the
caretaker must make sure to keep up with evaluating their behavior every so
often. This will enable them to root guilt unnecessary guilt out of themselves
constantly, and also find out what they like about themselves. They will be
able to thank God for helping them rid themselves of their character defects
and celebrate their good characteristics. Learning to meditate and trust God to
take care of them is important. They may want to spread the word about
codependency and how they defeated it and encourage others. (Beattie, M., 1987,
p.171-175)
Accepting Childhood
What a caretaker
can do either by themselves, with a counselor, or in a therapy group is to look
back into their childhood and see what about their family or situation caused
them to be the way they are. Mental Health America says on the topic:
Because
co-dependency is usually rooted in a person’s childhood, treatment often
involves exploration into early childhood issues and their relationship to
current destructive behavior patterns. Treatment includes education,
experiential groups, and individual and group therapy through which
co-dependents rediscover themselves and identify self-defeating behavior
patterns. Treatment also focuses on helping patients getting in touch with
feelings that have been buried during childhood and on reconstructing family
dynamics. (Mental Health America, 2013)
Once the
caretaker has accepted the reality, accept that this was the past, and that
they cannot change it, they can focus on how to better solve their problems in
the present. They may need to grieve their lost childhood to be able to
accept it and move on. They may need to make amends with their parents in their
minds if their parents did them wrong. Should the parents have already passed
away or are otherwise unavailable, these amends will have to be made mentally.
References
Beattie, M.
(1987). Codependent No More: How to Stop
Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself.
New York, NY: Harper/Hazelden.
Co-Dependency. (2013). Retrieved from
http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/go/codependency
The Karpman
Drama Triangle. Reprinted from CO2
Partners, by G.Cohen, 2011, Retrieved
from http://www.co2partners.com/blog/2011/09/death-by-triangulation/. Copyright
2013 by CO2 Partners.
Hemfelt, Dr. R.,
Minirth, Dr. F., & Meier, Dr. P. (1989). Love is a Choice. Nashville, TN: Thomas
Nelson.
Powls. P.
(2011). The Drama Triangle in Addiction
Treatment – Three Walls of Entrapment and How
to Get Out. Retrieved from http://www.breaking-barriers.co.za/articles/the-drama-triangle
